Save me

Okay so I haven't blogged for a longtime, probs won't continue my depression story until next time. Been having a really bad day, been cutting recently as well which isn't a good sign after more than a 6 months of not doing it. I think I'm digging into depression once more and I guess blogging is a wayto let those feelings out in a less destructive way.

First it was a massive amount of assessments which always screws with my head and I found the stress pressure just building up inside me, I kept it together and I'm proud that I did

Next it was just having a bad day at work. The manager gets frustrated wih me a lot but I. Don't blame her, I can't do anything right. Maybe the world would be better without me. It'd be a much easier route to give up on everything.sorry this must be really upsetting for everyone reading this.

Hopefully if I blog next time ill be happier

Just checked my blog today and amazed that ive got 50 pg views.
Thanks to the person from norway!!!!
It might not mean much to everyone who visits my pg but it means alot to me that youve checked it out.
Im really touched.
Even if youre just passing though it really means alot to me.
Somthank you everyone

Back to my story

Okay so I last ended at year 10. I think define toy my lowest point was definitely starting year 11. It is such a big step from hear Ten to year 11 I was overwhelmed by all the homework, assignments and assessments I had to do. I had this mindset during that year that I had to be perfect in every way. Obviously that was impossible but I didn't know at the time. Even lost mark, everything anyone said to me that was mean I took it to heart and kept it hidden deep inside. I knew that it would continue to consume me over time but I just kept trying to bottle up these issues and run away from how I was really feeling. Honestly I just hated myself. I was getting high marks , always at they'll of the class but I kept on besting myself up if I did anything wrong or lost any marks.  Finally it got so hard to cope with anything so I found that a good way to let out my hatred was to cut myself. Pretty soon my arms were laced wih cuts and scars, thy were my way of expressing the hatred I had for myself. I took it out on myself. I continued to cut away for a moth before I told anyone. 

Finally I told my friends and they really helped and supported me encouraging me to tell my parent. On Good Friday I told my mum. I still remember the expression of shock on he face, she hadn't known what I'd been feeling or doing to myself. We went and say a doctor and I got my first psychologist appointment.

That's all for today will post soon, thanks to anyone who listens to my story. For those who are out there struggling stay strong.

Obsessed with Demi

i'm probably posting heaps of stuff on demi but she's an inspiration to me so i guess i'm going to keep on doing it. She's just such a strong figure and her message"it gets better" is awesome.

The story continues...

So continuing on from last post

Jump ahead about 3years and I was pretty much doing the school certificate, last year to do it. I was getting bullied terribly by a group of people who would follow me around and call me names that no one wants to be called at all. It was an extremely dark time for me, everyday I would come to school hoping that they wouldn't see me, that they wouldn't taunt me or get a rise out of me. I kept all the pain inside and everyday I would get home and just cry and cry thinking of how horrible was life was and what they were saying was true. This was, you could say the beginning of my serious depression and suicidal thoughts.

It's just that feeling that you're not worth it and that everyone would be better off without you. I was just depressed, it's a battle now that I have to face everyday. I'm just trying to find meaning in my life now.

So a pretty short post but I'm exhausted and want to go to sleep. Part three of my story will be up soon continuing from yr 10 to yr 11 next time.

Everyone whose reading my blog and feeling down remember it gets better and that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

This song is what got me through year 10

It's skyscraper by demi lovato, a really inspirational figure to me.
Just want to say i don't own this thanks to VEVO :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg&noredirect=1

comments

sorry, hi again just a really short post now.
if you want to comment on my post i don't mind, please try not to be too negative. I do take criticism well usually but just say it in a nice way, i guess.
thanks

Surprised

okay so i just back on this afternoon, after school. I was really surprised to see that people had actually visited my blog, well other than me, from the US, Germany and South Korea. Thanks for that, even if i pretty much wasted your time, thanks heaps for doing that. I'm still new to this blog thing so if i bore you to shred with my posts, once again i am super sorry.

I probably laid it on a bit heavy with post two but blogging is a way that i can just let out my fears and frustrations. Read or don't read it. I guess i just want to say that everyone is this world is here for a reason. So never give up even when life is getting really shit, like seriously i mean it, life is precious, live life to the fullest and NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!

so that's all for now, will put in another installment about my battle with depression soon. Right now i need to get studying for a maths test tomorrow (my worst subject :( )

What the hell

So this is the first day of blogging but I really think I need to be honest with myself about all the difficulties I've been facing during the HSc.

As many know it is an extremely stressful time, during the end of year ten I found myself getting depressed. I just hated myself so much. I was angry at myself had complete faith that my life was pretty much over and that no one would care what I had to say. I guess this is what I'll be blogging about most of the time , being true to myself and just getting it out the that no ones alone. I haven't told many people about this so it's definitely a big step for me. I hope if anyone's reading this that I now know that everyone should live to the best of there ability 

And not let anyone get in the way of there hopes and dreams.

Okay now that I've set the scene I think I'll go back a bit. In year 7 I worked in a newsagent it was probably one of the events that led to my self hatred. I couldn't do anything and I gradually found that everyone there hated me soo much. They looked down on me probably because I was a lot younger than them. They would tease and bully me, especially the manager I was working with. She was so mean to me one day she even made a comment that was completely racist. For a while I started believing her, that I really was that stupid, idiodic and worthless. Every night when I got home I would just cry myself to sleep. Every time something went wrong the blamed me, I was their scapegoat , they even accused me of stealing from the till which I never would have done. They treated me horribly and just enforced that worthless feeling that I had about myself. This was a dark time for me. When thy finally fired me I was extremely happy. I got out And I'm proud of myself for doing that.

No Idea

okay
so i just started this blog so i have no idea what to say. I don't know if i should write about my life, english stuff or just use it to write down my thoughts, that's what most of my friends do.I guess it's just a way to get these things off my chest. Probably i think i'll just write what i feel at the time hopefully anyone who reads this will not be super bored or comment really negatively.

Okay well i'm in my HSC year it's almost over and i'm trying to get a really good mark/atar. Obviously every is so i guess i just stated the obvious. Oh BTW sorry about my spelling it's prbablyr eally bad and my grammar is really bad as well :). Anyway i've almost finished my HSC, having two major works it's really heaps of work to do. so i guess it's good that i didn't leave it until the day before it's due. It's heaps to do but i think i'm doing a reasonable job, will post photos of my finished work up online later :). Shoot i'm rambling i haven't said anything about what my major works are, i have art and extension history.

For art i'm doing a series of drawings that i don't know what they represent. My art teacher thinks that it should represent the clash between culture which i think is a really good idea. One of the other people in my art class says that i should call it pandoras box cuase it's pretty much mythological creatures, he knows that i like it but i don't want to do it cause HE thought of it not me :p
Yep i'm that kind of person, a stubborn bitchy freak lol :p

anyway my history extension stuff i've pretty much finished, took me ages but i made it there and i'm super happy with it, it's been through lots of editing but hopefully it'll come out looking awesome :p. It's on Richard the third and the murder of the princes by the way.

Hope my first blog post didn't bore you to tears too much. sorry if i wasted the 5-10 minutes ,that it took to read this, of your life soz.